I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Less talking, more tequila
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
