Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
