When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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