i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I looked at my own cervix.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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