all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
