My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you traded sex for a burrito?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
