Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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