exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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