Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
