There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
