Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Boobs are out for the taking
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
