Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
