the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
