Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
