it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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