I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
ugly people sure do ruin things
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
