I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
