using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
