look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
