I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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