When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
