I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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