We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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