So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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