I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
