you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
