It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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