You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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