my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
