Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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