he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
