just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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