I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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