There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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