the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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