Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
