so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
