I like to think it a success when the cops are called
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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