I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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