I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
