All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
