I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
