Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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