if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
