my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
