Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
