Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it's great music for shaving your balls
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
