just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
