Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
