Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
