i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
